Wednesday, May 31, 2017

When we Weren't Politically Correct

From my email - thanks, Helen!


Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

. Do female frogs croak? 

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
 water long enough. 

If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be 

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... 

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

 Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

 In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

 What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 In bowling, what's a perfect score? 

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? 

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

 During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

 According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

 Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Terror Emergency Plan

It's probably not over...just sayin'

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Prayers for Jim

From my email, where do my correspondents get these things?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.|
 A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.”

“Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?” the pastor prompted.

“Two months ago,” she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, “my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

Monday, May 22, 2017

Some of these puns are funny...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40."

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. 

It's shift work.

Wife says to her husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Worst Day of His Life

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”The next day grandpa died.

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died. “Holy Moly”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day?  You’ll never believe what happened to me this morning.  My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”