Saturday, April 28, 2012

2011 Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for year -- 2011:


Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
Start scratching!               


Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.             

Scratch some more... 


Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...              

Double hand scratching after this one..               


Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.              

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.. 


Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 
Only two more so ease up on the scratching... 


Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.               

Ok. Here we go!!


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. 

If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

Monday, April 23, 2012

President Obama's Accomplishments

From my email ... thanks, Helen!

There are a lot of American citizens that are very vocal about President Obama's many mistakes,  misleading public statements and disturbing policy decisions.  Picky, picky, picky.  Just read below a list of many of his accomplishments in the three short years that he has been in office, and just imagine what he could accomplish if given another term. 
  • First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
  • First President to violate the War Powers Act.
  • First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
  • First President to defy a Federal Judge's court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.
  • First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
  • First President to spend a trillion dollars on 'shovel-ready' jobs when there was no such thing as 'shovel-ready' jobs.
  • First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
  • First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.
  • First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.
  • First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
  • First President to terminate America's ability to put a man in space.
  • First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
  • First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
  • First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke-out on the reasons for their rate increases.
  • First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.
  • First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).
  • First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
  • First President to fire an inspector general of Ameri-Corps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
  • First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.
  • First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date.
  • First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.
  • First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
  • First President to go on multiple global 'apology tours'.
  • First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayer.
  • First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.
  • First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.
  • First President to repeat the Holy Quran tells us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.
  • First President to take a 17 day vacation.
 How is this hope and change working out for you?

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Trump Explains ObamaCare

Donald Trump explained ObamaCare this way ...

Let me get this straight . . . 

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't,  which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents.

Written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,  Passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it,  And signed by a Dumbo president who smokes,  with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes.

For which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare.

All to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,  And financed by a country that's broke!!!!! 

'What could possibly go wrong?' 

Friday, April 20, 2012

Got Medicare?

"Mrs.Sanders, please."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Friday, April 13, 2012

Only in America...

From my email...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Catching Pigs...

From my email:

There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist   regime

In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?" The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn. "When they   are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence.

"They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. "The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America . The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops, welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time. 

One should   always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free lunch, and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.  If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But, God help us all when the gate slams shut!

Quote for today:
"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living
are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living." --  Anonymous 

Friday, April 06, 2012

Handy and Useful Latin Phrases

From my email:

Ad eundum quo nemo ante it.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Age. Fac ut gaudeam. Go ahead. Make my day.

Alanis horribulus.That singer has too damn many personal issues.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!

Aquaductus non diuresis!
Don’t pee in the pool!

Atque memento, nulli adsunt Romanorum qui locutionem tuam corrigant.
And remember, there aren’t any Romans around to correct your pronunciation.

Auda similarum ad seattles.
They all sound just like Pearl Jam.

Aut discere aut disce.
Either learn or leave.

Bibere humanum est, ergo bibamus.
To drink is human, let us therefore drink.

Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus.
Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.

Boobi falsetti starrius.
Sugar, if ya wanna be a star, you’re gonna have to do something about that bustline.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.

Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.

Carpe Ductum
Seize the Tape!

Carpe trojana!
Grab the condoms!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Cave Canem!
Beware of Dog.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn’t walk in front of any catapults.

Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.

Cogito, ergo sum.
I think, therefore I am.

Cogito sumere potum alterum.
I think I¹ll have another drink.

Coitus cyber-interruptus.
AOL problems while chatting with a hot babe on the Net.

Corruptisima republica plurimae leges.
The more corrupt a republic, the more laws.

Credo Elvem etiam vivere.
I believe Elvis lives.

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
I think we’re on the same wavelength.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

De comedius non listus nomis uricani.
In matters of comedy, there can be no hurricane name lists.

De gustibus non est disputandum.
You mean you actually like chitlins?

De mortuis nil nisi boner.
Say nothing but good of the impotent.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Dictum ad tua mater.
Word to your mother!

Dictum, factum.
Said and done.

Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.

Diem perdidi!
I have lost a day! (Especially true on Friday!)

Domino vobiscum.
The pizza guy’s here.

Duc, sequere, aut de via decede.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way
Dumbassus! Hottie iste transvestitus!
Fool! That gorgeous woman is a crossdresser!

E Pluribus Tupac.
Rap is everywhere.

Erectionus finalum.
Anna Nicole Smith is here, Gramps.

Es debilem vinculum, vale!
You’re the weakest link, goodbye!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Et tu, Bubba?
Would you like fries with that, Mr. President?

Et tu, pluribus unum?
The government just stabbed me in the back!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don’t you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Furnulum pani nolo.
I don’t want a toaster.

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Habetis bona deum.
Have a nice day.

Herpescum Dolores Es?
Have You Been Tested Recently?

Heu, modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc nuper narravisti, sed nunc Anglice?
Listen, would you repeat everything you just told me, only this time say it in English?

Hoc induto est fundus permagnusn?
Does my bum look big in this?

Hoc nomen meum verum non est.
This isn¹t my real name.

Hoc tempore non possum colloqui, sum in curru.
I can’t talk now, I’m on a train.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Hodie adsit, cras absit.
Here today, gone tomorrow.

Id est mihi, id non est tibi!
It is mine, not yours!

Id legi modo hic modo illic. Vero, Latine loqui non est difficilissimum.
I picked it up here and there. Really, Latin isn’t all that hard.

Id quot circumiret, circumveniat.
What goes around, comes around.

Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat.
Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??

Il guyus nissanem iste ickye.
That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.

Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can’t say that in Latin.

Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum.
We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

In vino veni.
(You figure this one out yerself.)

In vino, veritas.
“Have another drink, senator.”

Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan’s Island

Ita erat quando hic adveni.
It was that way when I got here.

Labera lege…
Read my lips…

Lagunculae leydianae non accedunt.
Batteries not included.

Lege atque lacrima.
Read ‘em and weep.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Lingua speciem involutam praebet, sed sat cito eam comprehendes.
It looks like a tricky language, but you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Log floggit cum palma folliculus.
If you don’t stop it, you’ll go blind.

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Magnus frater spectat te…
Big Brother is watching you….

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!
Beam me up, Scotty!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I’ve got to see a man about a dog.

Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

Modo fac.
Just do it.

Monstra mihi pecuniam!
Show me the money!

Motorolus interruptus.
Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.

Muertes impendum pro saxophones.
Kenny G. must die.

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don’t you dare erase my hard disk!

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Nihil declaro.
I have nothing to declare.

Nihil est–in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing–in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

No Quid Pro Quo.
I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.

Noli Intrare
Keep Out

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Noli nothis permittere te terere.
Don¹t let the bastards get you down.

Noli Perturbare
Do Not Disturb

Nolo Contendere.
Hillary, you’re on your own.

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Non sum pisces.
I am not a fish.

Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus.
Remove foil before microwaving.
(At a poetry reading) 

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn’t rhyme. ….

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Numquam solus ambulabatis.
You’ll never walk alone.

Nunc est bibendum.
Now is the time for drinking.

Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus.
It’s Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.

Nupperinme de Gallia huc volavi! Mehercule, bracchia mea defatiga sunt!
I just flew in from Gaul, and boy, are my arms tired!

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Phy! Fabulae!
Bah! Humbug!

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
You do not know the power of the dark side.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Quaeso esto meus vicinus.
Please won’t you be my neighbor.

Qualem muleirculam!
What a bimbo!

Qualem blennum!
What a doofus!

Quando omni flunkus (?) moritati.
When all else fails, play dead.

Quanti canicule ille in finestere?
How much is that doggie in the window?

Quantum in ura hora imputas?
You charge how much an hour?

Quid? Me anxius sum?
What? Me worry?

Quis fuit ille personatus?
Who was that masked man?

Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Revelare Pecunia!
Show Me The Money!

Revera linguam latinam vix cognovi.
I don¹t really know all that much Latin.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Sane, paululum linguae Latinae dico.
Sure, I speak a little Latin.

Semper ubi sub ubi.
Always wear underwear. (So incorrect it’s funny…)

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Sharpei diem.
Sieze the Wrinkle Dog.

Si Archibus Omnibus come, ego vometo.
If I eat an Arch Deluxe, I’ll puke.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes.
If you can read this, you have to much education.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Si non vittet, accuittere debetis.
If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

Si tu id aeficas, ei venient. Ager Somnia
If you build it, they will come. Field of Dreams

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Sic friatur crustulum.
Thus, the cookie crumbles.

Sic semper tyrannus.
Your dinosaur is ill.

Sit vis nobiscum.
May the force be with you.

Sola lingua bona est lingua mortua.
The only good language is a dead language.

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum.
Only you can prevent forest fires.

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we’ll still be friends.

Stultus est sicut stultus facit.
Stupid is as stupid does.

Sum, ergo edo.
I am, therefore I eat.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Tauri in decurso
Bulls on parade

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Tempo fugit.
I drove my Ford off a bridge.

Tempus incognitum.
Time unknown.

Tempis Macarena Fugit.
Time flies when you’re doing the Macarena.

Tibi Gratiad Agimus Quod Nihil Fumas
Thank you for not smoking

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Tua mater gartet excitos calcios.
Your mom wears army boots.

Ubi est mea anaticula cumminosa?
Where’s my rubber ducky?

Uno viso, omnia visa sunt.
Seen one, seen ‘em all.

Ut si!
As if!

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Vacca foeda!
Stupid cow!

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Veni, vidi, Pesci.
I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.

Veni, veni, veni!
I came, I came, I came!

Veni Vedi Velcro.
I came. I saw. I stuck around.

Veni, vedi, vichy.
I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.

Veni, Vedi, Visa.
I came, I saw, I bought it!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?

Viri sunt Viri.
Men are slime.

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
I’d like to buy some condoms.

Wal*mart. Semper.
Wal*mart. Always.

Willum fibium comum tupeum.
Clinton lies like a rug!

The Seven Dwarfs