Monday, November 13, 2006

Men vs. women

1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and he does.

10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING Ah, children... A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Two Dogs or two wives?


1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Macys, Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus. And, last but not least:

26. If a do g leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Schoolyard games

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has! the largest weenie.

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

A Can of worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put in a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .

The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - what can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, Smoke and eat chocolate, You won't have worms!"

In the Land of Sandra Dee

Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan
Or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.

For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in his heaven
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.

And they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
Iin the Land of Sandra Dee.

We longed for love and romance,
And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.

We danced to "Little Darlin'",
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr Wizard,
But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins weren't Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never heard of Microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left
In the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Buicks came with portholes,
And side show came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Steet Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

There were no golden arches,
No Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land of Sandra Dee.

So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Book report - compare and contrast

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack shit.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

Attention Wal-mart shoppers

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Wal-mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.. . and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him , he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here !!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Lucas' Birthday Party

We celebrated Lucas' third birthday at the beach - there were 28 adults and 27 kids under age 5 at this party. Everyone had a great time. The kids had a treasure hunt in the sand. There was plenty to eat, including a great birthday cake. The weather was perfect - blue sky, calm winds, mild temperatures.

Here are some of the photos:

Mom and Lucas had only one quiet moment at the beach:

Lucas and his balloons at the beach - he even wore his wet suit.

Lucas and Grandpa try to get the kite up in the air.

Lucas and some of his friends:

Lucas with his friends admire the birthday cake just before everybody blew the candle out:

Logan enjoyed eating sand, not to mention his dinner.

We had a great time.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Lucas and Logan photos

We visited grandsons Lucas and Logan two weeks ago and had a wonderful time. Lucas just turned 3 and is really active - he jumps all over and off of the furniture and runs everywhere - we got him a tumbling mat for his birthday.

Logan is 7 months old and is almost crawling - he can't get his belly off the floor yet. He's a very happy and good-natured baby.

Here are some pictures:

Logan and Grandpa had a great time talking about genealogy:

Logan loves to play in his jump seat - he's building up his leg strength.

Logan loves to play with Grandma Linda. She sings to him and tickles him.

Lucas is hard to get to sit still - Grandma loves to read books and rub noses with him. Here they are trying to put a kite together.

Lucas took Grandpa on the steam engine train at Roaring Camp - we had a fun time.

Lucas loves his mommy, although it's hard to catch him. Here he's gone Hollywood.

Lucas and Grandpa enjoy "working" on the computer, building things and throwing rocks in the river.

Our New England Vacation

Linda and I went to New England on vacation, leaving on 22 August and returning on 3 September. We visited with my cousins in Salem NH and Westford MA, and with my Aunt Gerry and her husband in Augusta ME.

We visited Portsmouth NH Strawberry Banke Museum and America's Stonehenge in Salem NH, among other tourist sites. Linda went to Rockport MA with cousins one day, and I had a day of cemetery hopping in the rain. We even visited Hanover NH and White River Junction VT in our travels (my dad attended Dartmouth for a year or two).

Here are some of my pictures from the trip.

Bob and Virginia are doing well in Salem.

Here's Virginia with daughters Diana, Beth and Debbie on the swing in Virginia's back yard.

Over at Beth's house, with Bob, Virginia, Diana, Linda, Beth and David.

Virginia, Linda and I visited Portsmouth NH for lunch at the Oar House, then stopped at Strawbery Banke for a look-see.

Virginia and I visited America's Stonehenge in North Salem on afternoon - this purports to have astronomical stone placements, but it may be a hoax. We had a nice walk, anyway.

Linda and I spent a pleasant afternoon and evening dinner with Peter, Barbie and Judy in Westford, talking about the family and especially grandchildren.

We spent three days in Augusta ME with Gerry and Jim - had several nice meals and many good laughs and memories about the family.

Dinner with Gerry and Jim at the nicest hotel in Augusta.

I visited Leominster's Evergreen Cemetery to see the Seaver stones. Here is the Frank and Hattie Seaver stone - note the two stones in the ground in front of their stone.

Ed Seaver's stone in front of the Frank Seaver stone.

Janet Seaver's stone in front of the Frank Seaver stone.

We had an enjoyable New England trip. We got home just in time for brother Stanley's birthday party.

My Grand-hound is a Poet!

Who knew a basset hound had this much talent?

My grand-hound Walter usually has the front page article of The Basseteer quarterly newsletter, published by the Basset Hound Rescue of Southern California organization.

The September newsletter is here. Walter has written several haikus from a bassert hounds point of view. Hilarious!

That's my slobbering, licking, loving big boy!

First Place Padres 150 game report

Due to my extended vacations, I haven't produced a Padres update for a month.

After 150 games, the Padres are in first place in the NL West with a 79 win, 71 loss record (39-37 at home, 40-34 on road). The team ERA is #1 in the NL (3.93) but the team batting average (0.262), runs scored (678) and homers hit (151) are in the 11th to 14th place range.

Since my last report at 120 games, the Padres have won 19, lost 11 (11-3 at home, 8-8 on road). They have scored 146 runs in the last 30 games, and given up only 106.

The scores over the last 30 games were:

4-8 SF Peavy started
8-2 Ariz Williams started
3-5 Ariz Thompson started
2-1 Ariz Young started
4-2 LA Stauffer started
1-0 LA Peavy started
7-2 LA Williams started
5-13 @Colo Thompson started
5-2 @Colo Young started
3-6 @Colo Peavy started

4-7 @Ariz Williams started
8-3 @Ariz Thompson started
4-1 @Ariz Young started
2-6 Cin Hensley started
7-1 Cin Peavy started
2-1 Cin Wells started
7-5 Colo Williams started
5-4 Colo Young started
2-0 Colo Peavy started
0-4 @SF Hensley started

4-5 @SF Wells started
10-2 @SF Williams started
4-5 @Cin Young started
10-0 @Cin Peavy started
4-2 @Cin Hensley started
1-3 @LA Wells started
11-2 @LA Williams started
2-1 @LA Young started
10-11 (10) @LA Peavy started
5-2 Ariz Hensley started

That's the past - now for the future. My Pads are well placed to go to the NL playoffs - either as the NL West champ or as the wild card (lead Philly by 1-1/2 games). I still think that it will take 87 wins to ensure a playoff spot. That is attainable - in the last 12 games, we need 8 wins against Snakes (6 games), Pirates (3 games) and Cards (3 games). We just need to win each series to get there.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. So she said to him, "Tomorrow morning, I Expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds...AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Checks in the Mail

All last year Grandpa and Grandma Johnson have been receiving $500.00 checks in the mail every month and cashing them.

It turns out the insurance company made a mistake with the address. The checks were intended for another Edwin P. Johnson, and now Grandpa receives notice he has to pay back $6,000.00.

Visibly upset, he complains to his grandson, an accountant. His grandson asks, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered, "I just figured the Democrats were back in power."

The Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"???

The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please"?

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel' 'the latest medical break through' etc........

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have??

"A Martini please".

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?'

This time the man answered "Oh about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh.. bout 50"..

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

Anger Management Works!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an
asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a
yellow Rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Lauren came to visit

Lauren and her mom and dad came to visit us two weeks ago. Here are some pictures of her:

Lauren loves to read books with Grandma.

Lauren meets the character "Red Ruff" at the Padres game at Petco Park.

Lauren loves to go to the Padres game with Grandpa.

Lauren loves ice cream too. I think dad, mom and grandma are jealous - look at their tongues!

Questions that need to be answered

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity???

Why does pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham have anyway?

How is it that we put man on the moon, before we figured out that luggage needed wheels?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, it is still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi and work in the Coke factory will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV.?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change and they are going to see you naked anyway?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who do they call?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the refrigerator, and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license why do they tell you to smile, like you are going to smile if you get pulled over for a ticket?

If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, how come he can't fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see in their dream?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made of???

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and twinkle little star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, and a hemorrhoid when its in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad, but when you take him for a ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?

Important Info for Retired Men

Important info for retired men - women, don't read this! Clarence has some personal testimony here:


It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Clarence. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Marie.

When I took "early retirement", it became necessary for Marie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the club so eating out is not a reasonable option. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a manager helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points.

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps.I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of her aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys...., we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that is another one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Marie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


[ EDITOR'S NOTE: Clarence passed away suddenly Thursday May 26th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Marie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and died!]

Test for Old Kids

This is a test for us old kids! The answers are in the comments below, but don't you cheat.

READY????? Here we go!

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________

The answers are in the Comments section.

Who needs to be able to spell?

I guess this is the case for "whole word" reading in schools that I've heard about...but the student needs to know what the letters sound like, don't they?


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thuohgt spleling was ipmorantt !


The point here is that you can make out what the message is by scrambling the letters within the word, but not the first and last letters of each word.

I wonder if the CIA can decipher this method?

I Got 54

Here is a game for those horndogs who care to try it...

Guess the celebrity's bra size:

Of course, they make you guess based on hiding the assets.


Raising Boys

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4" deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of them approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, Ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice.

"I hope not, its only 2130 now"

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The greatest club of all

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~ Gene Perret

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~ Author Unknown

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~ Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now her day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~ Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her GRANDmother. ~Author Unknown

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents move to Florida. ~Dave Barry

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

Why I don't work out much...

Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress .


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

They're Big in Texas

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Recent pictures of the grandkids

Linda visited Lauren and her parents last month, and had a fun time playing with and watching Lauren. Here's a picture of Lauren in her swing:

And Logan's mommy sent this picture (Logan is 6 months old now):

Our little ones are growing up.

Where's Lucas you ask? No one can catch him long enough to take a photo. i'll try next month again - it's his third birthday and we're going to the beach to celebrate.

Church Bulletins

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- ----------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------- ---------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Aren't Grandchildren great?

Thanks to Bill for passing these along:


My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"


A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.


A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"


When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."


A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"


Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Are My Padres Doomed? 120 Game Report

The signs are not good for My favorite baseball team. Things looked so bright and hopeful at the All-Star break - they were 48 and 40, and in first place. The hope was that they would continue at that winning rate and eventually be something like 87 and 75, and win the NL West and go into the playoffs.

The last 10 games have been disastrous - they won 3 and lost 7, and fell out of first place, and are now 3 games behind the dreaded Dodgers. The scores, opponent and starting pitchers for the last 10 games:

3-2 (10) Wash Peavy started
2-3 at NY Williams started and lost
3-4 at NY Hensley started and lost
3-7 at NY Young started
2-4 at Hous Park started and lost
6-3 at Hous Peavy started and won, Trevor saved
7-2 at Hous Williams started
0-1 SF Hensley started and lost
2-3 SF Young started and lost
5-7 (13) SF Park started

The Padres scored 33 runs and gave up 36 in this 10 game block - the offense faltered and the pitching was good enough to win 7 or 8 games, but we only won 3. One problem is defense - Todd Walker has 5 errors in 21 chances at third, and cost at least two games in this block. Gonzalez, Greene, Barfield and Bard are slumping now.

After 120 games, the Padres are 60 and 60, 28 and 34 at home, 32 and 26 on the road. The team is batting 0.263, (opponents are 0.254), have 125 HRs (opponents 136), scored 534 runs (opponents 532), and a 4.11 ERA (opponents 4.14).

What this team needs is to tighten up the defense and better situational hitting. They need to keep Bellhorn at 3rd base, or find a 3B man who can hit in a waiver deal. The starters have done pretty well, but the relievers (especially Linebrink, Brocail and Williamson) continue to falter. Frustrating! Woe!

The obvious conclusion is that this is a 0.500 team, and unless something changes drastically they won't go to the playoffs. I said earlier that an 87 win season would make the playoffs. To achieve that, the Pads have to win 27 and lose 15 in the rest of the season. Is that possible? Sure. Is it likely? Probably not.

What do you think? Probably that I'm wasting my time blogging about this, eh?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

2005 Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, Shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, A serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the bunch:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Hell explained...

This is a classic engineering/physics joke:


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ..... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


My comment: It would be interesting to know what Teresa has to say about this.

Proof That People are Nuts

This material passed my email inbox today - I haven't Snopes it...

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex For the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ???) (Did the government pay For this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.(I know some people like that, too.)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

A History Lesson

How old is Grandma or Grandpa???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. I found it very interesting.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir." After I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out
listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I'll bet you have this old lady in are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

This Woman would be only 59 years old!


If you can read this, thank a teacher,
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.

Men Jokes

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws."



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."



I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"



God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.



25 Simple Questions

These are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go.

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?


Here are the answers.....

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? RIGHT

7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT

14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT

15. How many sides does a stop sign have? 8

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT

17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8

21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats? LEFT

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? *, #

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Monday, August 07, 2006

My Padres' 110 Game Update

The season is more than 2/3 completed now, and My Padres still reside in first place, by the slimmest of margins and mostly because the other NL West teams are just as bad as the Padres are.

In the last 10 games, the scores and starting pitching are:

10-3 at LA Park started and won
8-9 (10) at Colo Williams started, Trevor blew the save
1-3 at Colo Hensley started, and lost
4-2 at Colo Young started and won, Trevor saved
1-3 at Colo Thompson started and lost
0-1 Houston Peavy started and lost
1-6 Houston Williams started and lost
5-2 Houston Hensley started and won, Trevor saved
2-6 Wash Young started and lost
6-3 Wash Thompson started, Trevor saved

The Friars were 4 wins and 6 losses in this 10 game segment, scoring 38 runs and giving up 38 runs. On the season they are 27-31 at home, 30-22 on the road and 57 wins 53 losses overall. Over the last 40 games, they have 20 wins and 20 losses. They lead the Snakes and Dodgers by 2 games.

The team batting average is 0.265 (was 0.265 after 100 games) and ranks 8th in the NL; has 109 home runs (was 100), ranking 8th;
scored 501 runs (ranks 15th) and given up 496; has a 4.17 team ERA (was 4.21), ranks 3rd in NL, opponents have a 4.24 ERA.

I still think that 87 wins will take the NL West. The bad news is that the team needs to go 30 and 22 to get there (the good news is that the others need to go 32 and 20 to get there). All of the other NL West teams have had long losing streaks but the Pads haven't.

Did the Friars improve themselves with the acquisition of Todd Walker to play 3B? Nope...he does hit well, but is a defensive liability. The Dodgers, Giants and Snakes all improved themselves via trades in the last two weeks.

There is good news - Dave Roberts and Adrian Gonzalez are hitting over 0.300, and the starting pitching is pretty stable. They need to avoid injuries (Greene just went down for a week) and firm up the relievers. The team needs to score more runs in order to win the close low-scoring games.

It will be an interesting playoff run.

A Trivia Quiz

I suffered through this, now it's your turn!!!!!!


Here are some tough questions, and it's frustrating when you see the answers. You say, "I should have known that." I was going to send them without sending the answers, but that would be cruel.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4 Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them (and "dweeb" doesn't count!).

8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?

10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.

11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."


Scroll down for answers

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends....boxing

2. The North American landmark constantly moving backward...Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. The only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons....asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the

5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside...strawberry.

6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? --- It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Three English words beginning with dw...dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ... period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. The original lakes referred to in Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.

10. The seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit...taking a base on balls (a walk), batter hit by a pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike, fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.

11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh...lettuce.

12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S"... Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.